Narrator: You think you know? My name is Robin B. Czar and now I’m going to tell you the true story.
It was in the year 9 near the Teuteburg Forest. The Romans wanted to expand their empire to the North.
Rufus Curius: Hail Caesar! I am Rufus Curius! Where can I find Flavius Vanillus?
Flavius Vanillus: That’s me! Hail Caesar!
Rufus: Who has the high command here?
Flavius: Caius Wintermasus has. Unfortunately, since he can’t get laid outside of the Roman army, he wants to get fucked by the Teutons. They are also supposed to be much more manly than he is. sees Caius There he is!
Rufus: O my Jupiter! He looks like a biological accident!
Flavius: Yeah, they say he’s a brothel-born ass birth.
Rufus: He is short, fat and ugly.
Flavius: Come on, he’s not THAT fat.
Rufus: He’s the opposite of manly. Is he gay?
Flavius: They don’t know. Supposedly he has an affair with the tree in front of his house. It has an opening at waist level. If he is abroad he is said to dig little holes in the ground and puts his dick into them afterwards.
Rufus: He’s gone! Where is he?
Flavius: Maybe he got abducted!
Place: the secret hiding place of the Germanic tribes near the Teuteburg Forest.
Persons: Greta, Caius Wintermasus, Gundelburger, Teuton.
Narrator: At the same time in the secret hiding place of the Teutons
Teuton: Mistress! I have a new candidate!
Greta: Then maybe I’ll finally get my second disgusting assistant…
Teuton : You can train him to be a lapdog.
Greta: Just a moment. (Kicks Wintermasus in the balls, he screams.) I’m sure he barks well, too. (Kicks Wintermasus in the balls again, he barks.) That’s better.
(Does the same with Gundelburger.) This one too.
Teuton : Are you going to sacrifice them after the ambush in Teuteburg Forest?
Greta: No, otherwise I would have to look for new ones. As soon as they will have understood that they are no longer allowed to talk, but only to bark, they will be perfect.
Teuton : The ugly one has escaped!
Greta: They are both ugly…
Teuton : I mean the one who is also short and fat….
Greta: That’s right! What now?
Persons: Rufus Curius, Flavius Vanillus, Caius Wintermasus
Narrator: At the same time near the Teuteburg Forest….
Flavius: It is rumored that Arminius is actually a woman named Greta, who has two disgusting assistants…
Rufus: Arminius is actually Arminia?
Flavius: Back there is Wintermasus!
Rufus: Salve! Where have you been?
Flavius: That seems to have been rather embarrassing….
Rufus: We don’t really want to know that much.
Flavius: Here we go! Into the Teuteburg Forest! (Soldiers march into the Teuteburg Forest, singing “Heidi, heido, heida”.)
Narrator: And so the three legions went to their certain doom. (Wintermasus howls at the moon on the corpse-strewn battlefield in the night after the ambush). And now you know the true story.